Defeating Fear
Fear is quite possibly the most prevalent emotion we feel in modern society. The average person probably feels some version of fear several dozen times in throughout the course of the average day. It is so common and we are so used to it, that many times we don’t even notice it happening. We have many names for it: anxious, stressed, nervous, jealous, worried. But under the covers they are all just versions or magnitudes of fear. And for those with no self-control, fear can often be tied directly to actions, either verbal or physical. Often those actions are destructive, but in all cases, they are not safe to tie directly to any raw emotion.
But it’s understandable. Fear feels bad. It’s one of the “negative emotions” that are designed to get our attention and motivate us to fix something that’s wrong. It’s supposed to feel bad. But when the root of our fear is something we consider outside of our control, that feels unfair. And we may engage in the trap response, yanking against our constraints in ways that are more hurtful to ourselves than to anyone else.
So what can we do? No one wants to just sit in that awful, icy feeling with no relief. Luckily, there is a series of steps you can perform that - if done honestly and without “cheating” - will cause your fear to dissipate in every circumstance you find yourself. Sound hard to believe? I don’t blame you. But I first developed these steps when I found myself paralyzed by fear - in fact, I found each of these steps in turn as I faced bigger and more malicious fears, until I finally found the recipe that worked every time, I have had a perfect track record since then, going on more than 20 years now. In all that time, not one fear ever persisted after following these steps - so long as I was honest about it and willing to do the work.
Step 1 - Name the fear
The first thing to do when you are trying to defeat a fear is to explicitly name what it is that you are afraid of, without any vague or ambiguous language. That may sound simple, but fear loves to live in ambiguity. Often our fears are vaporous, nebulous things like “something bad will happen” or “I don’t know, I’m just afraid.” Naming - or more precisely, describing what we are afraid will happen - is often enough to make the fear dissipate. Like pulling it out into the light causes us to see how ridiculous it is, and then we are no longer afraid of it.
To do this properly, it is best to start with the wording “I am afraid that….” and then describe the scenario that you are imagining, which is causing the fear. It is common to have more than one fear going at the same time. That’s ok. Just pick one and defeat them one at a time. Once you have completed the Fear Steps for the first fear and you are no longer afraid of it, just pick the next fear and start over at Step 1 for that second fear.
Be specific
When you are naming your fear, be disciplined with yourself. Watch your wording and your language. Don’t allow yourself to use vague language like “something” or “somehow” or generalities like “bad” or “hurtful” Be specific.
Bad: I’m afraid that Sarah’s gonna find out and then I’m gonna be in trouble.
Better: I’m afraid that Sarah will find out I didn’t do the TPS reports, and then she will talk to Mike about me and Mike will not give me the promotion I want in six months.
Be explicit
Picture the worst case scenario and describe that scenario. Yes, obviously, there can be many ways for something to go bad. You might picture one way that would ruin your life, or there might be a completely different way for it to go that would also be bad. Pick one. In fact, pick the scariest one, and then describe that in detail. Use as much detail as possible, even if you know the little details might not happen exactly the way you describe. Just imagine the scene and describe what you see in your imagination. This is not the time to be embarrassed or shy about how ridiculous it sounds. Just vomit the whole thing out of your mouth without censoring or editing yourself. This whole exercise should be done either by yourself or with someone you trust implicitly anyway. So don’t be shy about sounding stupid. That does not matter right now. Describe the single scenario that is causing you the most fear, whether it’s likely to occur or not, and describe it in detail.
Bad: I’m afraid that if Jen marries Paulo, he won’t treat her right and she’ll be really unhappy.
Better: I’m afraid that if Jen marries Paulo, he will be physically abusive to her, and she’s not the type to speak up, and I will just watch my best friend shrivel into nothing as he takes away everything that is special about her.
Be exhaustive
When you think you are done describing the scenario, ask yourself “And then what?” or “What would that mean?” Keep asking yourselves these questions to dig deeper into the fear and the basis thereof. Your goal is to fully and completely name every aspect that makes you afraid. It may very well get wildly out of control and start talking about crazy things that might happen 50 years into the future. Good. Let it. In my experience most fears can only reach the endpoint when you say something very similar to “…and then I’ll die alone with no one who loves me.” If yours isn’t as extreme as that, you’re probably not done. Don’t stop until there is nothing left to say on the topic.
Bad: I’m afraid that I might not get be able to make my car payment.
Better: I’m afraid that I won’t have enough money to make my car payment this month, and then that pattern will continue and I will get way behind on my car payments, and then they’ll come and take my car, and then I won’t have a way to get to work, and then I’ll get fired from my job, and then I won’t have any way to eat, and I’ll have to go on government assistance or charity, only it won’t work, or I won’t be able to get it, and I’ll end up homeless on the street, and then my family will be so ashamed of me that they will never come talk to me, and I’ll die alone in a cardboard box frozen to death in the middle of winter.
You may notice a pattern here. The more you follow these steps, the more absurd or unrealistic the fears sound. That is by design. The first step is to try to make you realize if you are afraid of something silly. Don’t get me wrong. This does not make you silly or stupid. We all do this. It is extremely common to get all wound up about something, only to realize that it is a foolish thing to be worried about once you pull it apart and look at in the light of day. That’s why we start here.
Check if you’re still afraid.
Check again. Are you still feeling afraid? At least about this fear? If not, you’re done with the exercise, and you can either move on to the next fear in your list, or just go about your day feeling better if that was the last one. If you are still feeling the fear (even a little), continue to Step 2.
Step 2 - Evaluate the likelihood
Once you have specifically, explicitly, and exhaustively listed your fear from Step 1, maybe write it down so it is easier to remember. This isn’t strictly necessary, but especially if it was a long story, or if your memory isn’t that great, this will help you with Step 2. Even if that is not true, sometimes seeing it in black and white can help clarify your thoughts on the matter. Either way, though, your next step is to honestly, truthfully evaluate how likely that scenario is to occur. This is where you stop exploring your fear subjectively, from inside your own head, and start looking at it objectively from an outside perspective. This is where you stop being ridiculous and force yourself to think - “Realistically, how likely is this to happen?”
Be objective
Put on your objective hat and look at it from a third party perspective. How likely is this scenario? How you answer this question is up to you. If you are a numbers person you might like probabilities expressed as a percentage or a number between 0 and 1. If you’re a more artistic person you may want to describe it in words like “pretty likely, but not a sure thing” or “definitely, for sure is gonna happen.” Whatever sounds like a meaningful answer to you is the right way to answer it. But make sure that you are not letting your pessimism or melodrama enter into the equation. If it helps, imagine that it is happening to someone else. Sometimes, what I do is imagine my consciousness rising about thirty feet up in the air and looking down on the scenario from an impartial vantage point. Whatever mental tricks work for you, try to get out of your head and answer the question as objectively as possible: Is this really a realistic possibility? If so, how likely?
Be multiplicative
Keep in mind, however, that the fear you described almost certainly describes multiple events, each one contingent on every previous event happening exactly as you described. Probabilities described this way are multiplicative. This is easier for the math people to understand (the probability for two events happening, each with 50% probability, is 25%), but for the more language-focused people, just remember that the likelihood of event #1 happening and then event #2 and then event #3 is WAY less likely than any one of the events happening on their own. So try to keep that in mind and keep a running tally of how likely it is that every single one of those events or circumstances happens exactly the way you described it in Step 1. It is supremely helpful, in fact, to break down that fear you listed in Step 1 into each individual event as you described it. How likely is it that the first thing would happen? Ok, then if that first thing happened, how likely is it that the second thing would happen? Then if somehow both of those things happened, how likely is it that the third thing would happen? Each compounding probability reduces the likelihood that the whole sequence could ever possibly happen.
Be self-aware
Also, keep an eye on your own actions and decisions in this scenario. At any point when you were describing your fear, did you say “and then I will….”? If so, that is a choice that you made in that hypothetical scenario, which is something you control. Ask yourself - realistically, how likely is it that I would make that choice, especially given the fact that I can clearly see the danger that decision represents? We can all make stupid decisions, sure. But are you likely to make that many stupid decisions in a row? While you are aware of the danger? What could you do at any point of the sequence that would either prevent it from happening or at least make it less likely?
Check if you’re still afraid
Many times, even if your fear survives step one, objectively, rationally evaluating the likelihood like this reveals how supremely unlikely it is to happen, and then the fear dissipates. If so, you’re done. If the fear is still there, even after you’ve gotten this far, then proceed to Step 3.
Step 3 - Can you survive it?
The third step is the simplest one. Simply ask yourself, “Can I survive this?” Obviously, you don’t want the fear to come true. Obviously, it will be unpleasant, possibly to such an extent that even calling it “unpleasant” feels insulting. But think about it. If it wasn’t something you really do not want, there wouldn’t be anything to be afraid of. Of course you are not going to have a good time if this all comes down. Of course you are going to hate going through that. But can you see what you will look like on the other side? Can you picture how you would pick yourself back up, put yourself back together and continue on with life the best way you know how? Even in extreme cases like losing a limb or a loved one, you can almost certainly picture how life would be worse, sure, but you should also be able to see how to continue on and make it work if you had to.
The question “Can you survive it?” is a yes/no question. If the answer is “yes” then the paralyzing feeling of fear always dissipates with the acceptance of “I don’t want this thing to happen, but I am bigger than it and I will come out the other side.” If the answer is “no” - if the thing you fear is both a real threat to your life and is likely to happen - then there is a calm in accepting your death. If you have even known someone with terminal cancer or some other slow but inevitable disease, you probably saw how their fear melted once they finally knew and accepted that their death was coming. There is a peace and calm with deciding to stand and face the final challenge with your chin up and feet squared up against it. “Come and get me, death. I will not be found cowering.”
In both cases, this doesn’t mean just laying down and accepting the inevitable. You can and should still fight to prevent this eventuality in any way available to you. These fear steps don’t change the outcome of your circumstances, except that if you are not afraid of them, you are much more likely to think of a way out yourself.
Don’t cheat.
This process is for your benefit and to make you feel better. It has been pared down to only the strictly necessary elements. Do not pare it down any farther. If you cheat, if you allow yourself leeway because it’s uncomfortable, you are only cheating your own outcome. Especially when you start to see the power of these fear steps, it can be very tempting run ahead to the end by either being sloppy with the first two steps or even skipping to Step 2 or Step 3. Don’t do it. When you skip over previous steps or if you don’t fully give your all to the internal work, it never holds, and the fear will just crop up again later. Each of these steps is sequential in that you can quit as soon as you no longer feel the fear, but do not think you can just shortcut the process by always responding to fear with “Can I survive it?” This shortcut might give you a temporary relief from the fear, but the fear will come back. Only by going through these Fear Steps in order can you defeat and remove that fear from your life for good. If you ever find that you have defeated a fear only for it to return, ask yourself, “Where did I cheat?” I guarantee you will find a place where you did.